when remus decides to live
by dreamerbydawn
Summary: takes place immediately after ootp  sirius's death where remus is left alone and depressed and determined to kill peter if i might add...and the most unexpected person holds him back...andromeda  black  tonks!  no slash


disclaimer : yes as you all know, i dont own harry potter...

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><p>The school had closed for summer and bereft of its chattering students, the castle seemed submerged in an ocean of silence. There were no signs of the ghosts or any of its usual inhabitants and the only sounds came from the office of Minerva McGonagall.<p>

An unusual number of witches and wizards stood within the currently enlarged office and more joined their ranks through the floo network as every living member of the order of the phoenix poured in.

Despite the large numbers, the room remained unusually silent. Most people stood in pairs or small circles, their faces varying from grave to determined, some even sad and resigned. Those of the few who spoke did so in a hushed, hurried sort of voice and only mad eye moody and Mrs. Longbottom could be heard discussing he who must not be named in loud ringing voices.

The fire place flashed green and a shabby, dishelved wizard with graying hair stepped out, without even bothering to dust himself first. The room instantly became tenser and the temperature seemed to have dropped another few degrees. Every face was now turned towards Remus lupin and every expression switched to one of pity as complete silence reigned the room.

The man before them seemed to have aged at least 5 years in just 5 days. His sunken gaze seemed haunted, even slightly deranged as he stared blankly without any fire in those brown orbs of his. There were dark circles that were highlighted against his pale skin and he seemed unsteady on his feet.

McGonagall's heart wrenched at the sight of him looking so completely lost. Her mind suddenly over brimmed with memories of the past when four boys, entitled the marauders had stood in this very room grinning from ear to ear at her accusations of innumerable pranks or grimacing at her when her punishments were too harsh or smiling sheepishly after being caught passing notes during detentions or sometimes even just looking at her with their best 'I am as innocent as an angel, see there's even a halo on my head' sort of expression. They may have been the most troublesome lot, but they also happened to be one of her favorites, and though she had never told them that and desperately wished she had, she guessed that they had always known. Never had there been such a talented bunch of students. she realized that even more after learning of their animagus transformations and her heart ached more times each day than her thin lips had secretly smiled during their seven years in school. She pulled herself back to the painful present when both James and Sirius were dead and Pettigrew the traitor was serving his new master, leaving Remus alone in the cold world. No, she thought, I can't let him suffer alone and cleared her thoughts of everything else when she saw mad eye next to the lone surviving marauder.

"It's the best way to go you know" she heard mad eye telling him "he died a hero's death and will go down in history as one of the best of the fallen warriors!"

"Indeed mad eye is right! Don't sit around and mourn son, you should be proud" Mrs. Longbottom chimed in. "like I am of my son and daughter in law"

Remus stood still as a stone, his face listless and unresponsive to the words addressed to him, causing another stab of pain in the heart of the transfiguration teacher. She hurried forward past the other two and gently placed a hand on his arm. Startled, he recoiled from her touch and freed himself from her bony hands.

"Remus?" she said quietly but her voice didn't seem to enter the world he was so lost in. "Remus" she repeated, a little louder and after what seemed to be a tremendous effort on his part, he looked at her. The best sign of acknowledgement she could hope for, but whatever she had wanted to tell him, died in her throat as the anguish in his eyes crushed her. She stood there, opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish, unable to find the right words. Madam Pomfrey moved to his other side. The old matron too had been close to the marauders, especially Remus because of his condition.

"You need some sugar in that body" she said gently as she handed him a bar of chocolate that she always carried around with her. On receiving no response, she thrust it into his hand and said "Remus, listen to me and eat it now" there was no change in the ghost of a man that stood before them.

"remus!" McGonagall said, finally finding her voice again but before she could utter another word, he jerked his head, a single nod and stumbled past them both. His numb legs carried him to the corner of the room and he leaned against the cupboard. Resting his head against the hard wood, he let his fingers trace the words 'mischief managed' that were engraved on it oh so long ago. Most people caught the writing on the wood and sorrow seared through every beating heart.

Both Kingsley and Arthur went over to him, and not finding the words to tell him that things will get better, they tried instead to make small talk. Minutes passed but there was no response from the man before them as Remus lupin now considered himself to be alone in the world and the people around him simply did not exist in his mind. Tonks slowly moved towards him and the other two men backed away. She slipped her hand into his and just stood there silently, her face reflecting his pain.

Minutes ticked by before Dumbledore swept into the room, calling it to order. One wave of his wand replaced the few desks with a long mahogany table that was instantly filled as the members took their places around it.

The old headmaster himself had his eyes set on the couple in the far corner who had made no attempt to move. He nodded towards tonks, signaling her to take a seat before taking her place by his side. He pulled from within his robes, a copy of the daily prophet and on reaching the eighth page, he held out the paper to the man before him. Remus made no effort to take it but he noticed that the entire page had been dedicated to Sirius, with a huge obituary dominating the middle portion of it. Many words like 'brilliant', 'loyal' 'prankster' and even 'marauder' caught his eye. He saw that McGonagall, Flitwick, Andromeda and Dumbledore were among a few that had written about Sirius but he had no intention of reading any of it, no need to either. He knew all he had to about his best friend and also knew what most people would say, so he simple shook his head and walked to the table. Taking a seat as far away from everyone as he could.

Dumbledore took his place at the head of the table and began to talk but the headmaster's words never made it through the many layers of bitter sweet reminiscences on his mind. His world had been crushed, ripped, and now shredded and he no longer had it in him to fight. He would gladly take the pain of transforming every night rather than one more minute of this. He gnashed his teeth together, clenched his hand and willed himself to take a steadying breath which of course did not serve its purpose. There was absolutely no distracting him from the despair that he felt.

He heard some arguments and some resolving voting sessions, and watched as Dumbledore continued to speak but nothing was clear, hazy blurred images and broken voices was all he was aware of as Remus tore himself from the present in an effort to drown in the past, in a world where he wasn't the only marauder, a place where he had Sirius and James by his side….

He felt someone shake him gently and looked up to see bill weasley's kind face looking at him. He motioned towards Dumbledore and Remus obliged, looking instead at the silver bearded man.

"Remus? Could you partner with bill on this one mission?" Dumbledore asked him, his blue eyes piercing as ever.

He took a moment to look into those shocking blue eyes before replying "no…."he said.

Dumbledore studied him for a moment before speaking again. "Bill needs your help Remus, your experience and talent…..do reconsider your decision"

"I am sure headmaster. My answer is no" Remus replied, his voice hoarse and shaky from lack of use and tearful nights but his firm gaze spoke for him instead. He felt the blue eyes penetrating into him as the entire room waited with bated breath. Remus sighed warily. "I have other personal commitments…." He said

"Remus the full moon….." flitwick began

"I am fully aware that another full moon is 21 days from now professor, but I doubt I would see another one…" the werewolf replied, a slight smile on his lips.

"What? Remus what are you saying?" molly weasly demanded, concern and anxiety coating her words.

"I have decided to track that traitorous rat down and kill him" lupin muttered his voice cold and determined, his eyes plainly showcasing his iron will.

"Peter spends every minute under the dark lord's personal protection or with the most powerful of the death eaters, you have no chance" Snape spoke, his voice off hand.

"Unlike you, my skin severus is not something I place on top of my priority list" Remus said coldly.

"It's not something you should place at the bottom of your list either Remus!" Dedalus Diggle spoke up.

"That Dedalus, is my decision" Remus said, his voice hard, cold and very unlike himself.

"But Remus! We cannot afford to lose more members of the order now!" Emmeliane Vance declared.

"Remus don't talk like this!" tonks cried at the same time. There was an outburst of disagreement from every member of the order and a general uproar against Remus's decision. Dumbledore raised his hand then and the room gradually fell silent.

"Life Remus, is a thing of value, don't throw it away" Dumbledore urged. But lupin shook his head gently.

"James and lily died when they didn't want to, Sirius died when he had found his reason to live and that very same reason is still a cause you too should hold on to….live for Harry if not for yourself" Dumbledore said gently.

"No headmaster, don't bring Harry's name to make me stay" Remus said, his voice revealing none of the confusion and turmoil that raged within him

"Remus, don't take any decision while you are inebriated by grief." McGonagall said soothingly "in due time, things will become clearer…." She said

"And you are the last person that Harry has left; he can't take another death, especially not so soon after Sirius's" Dumbledore added

"The Weasley's will take care of him, he already considers them family" Remus said nettled by their attempts at guilt trapping him.

"But they can never be what you are to him Remus; you are the last part of his father that he has left, and James, think about what he would want for his son." Dumbledore said, his never ending patience making Remus more uncomfortable by the minute. He stood there, in their midst, fighting for self control, for his usual level headed self.

"remus" a haughty voice of a woman called to him, he looked towards the well groomed witch next to nymphadora. She had a royal, arrogant air around her, not very unlike Sirius. She even had the same easy grace he did, even in stillness. He remembered her from her days of being the Slytherin head girl and nothing seemed to have changed about Andromeda except her sir name. Once she knew that his complete attention was on her she said "death seems to have some sort of morbid interest in your little group and I assure you that my beloved sisters do too, so I find no reason for you to hurry towards it. let it find you like it did my cousin, until then do what he did, what he would have done were he alive today" Remus looked completely taken aback as he stared at her and there was an uncomfortable silence that echoed through the room. She cocked an eyebrow as he continued to gape at her and when that didn't change the situation she said "I don't know why you Gryffindor's lack self preservation instincts, I mean sure you value bravery and refuse to run away from anything, even death and all that crap but I don't understand why you all so gladly rush towards it, its plain foolish" with that, the woman rose, her long hair swinging behind her, her nose in the air and her mannerisms superior.

"In case you did not notice, you just signed up for the same deal" Hestia Jones said heatedly, their school time rivalry having survived.

The woman laughed coldly "I my dear am not so willing to lay down my life for the greater good and turn into a heroine of some sort like you are hoping you would. Neither do I have the need to be so pathetically desperate" andromeda said.

Hestia got up, her wand drawn as she snarled "how dare you suggest that this is some sort of attempt for personal glory! I-"

"My, my do we have a hot head? I was only saying that because you never seemed to get any uh due recognition that the best of us naturally got" her voice was smooth as silk and her smile sickly sweet.

"Mom!" tonks stood up "what is wrong with you?" the young witch demanded. She had never seen this side of her mother before and it made her want to wretch.

"But your glory died the instant you got disowned, died with the name black didn't it? Is that what has made you desperate enough to sign up here? Did he who must not be named refuse the purest of blood because you tainted it?" Hestia asked, her wand still pointed towards the Slytherin woman.

"Some of us dearest have the key to every locked door and trust me when I say that joining the dark lord is always an option for me. My sisters are right in his inner circle and my glory is the least of your concern. If I were you, I would pay attention to myself before worrying about any one else or maybe I wouldn't have to, you don't have anything to so much as resemble self esteem do you?" She sneered. Tonks paled visibly.

"At least I don't have murderers in my family, especially sisters who kill their very blood for the sake of a lunatic" Hestia said, now positively enraged.

"Protecting our family was a basic duty of every black and any breach to that rule shall be punished severely, something I intend to look into personally and having one cousin like Sirius is enough to compensate for a dozen of the likes of Bella and cissy. I am sure that even you can not disagree with that." She said pride and pain warred in Andromeda's eyes; while Hestia sputtered "Now, you make me tired, grow up by the next time we meet or do make yourself absent" she smiled and walked towards the fire place.

"Andromeda?" Remus called just as the woman reached for the floo powder. She turned and arched one perfect eyebrow at him, her voice softening ever so slightly "is this goodbye Remus?" she asked

"No, I have some mission with bill, I just wanted you to know that Sirius never stopped believing that-" Remus began with the faintest traces of a smile

"That there was still hope for every black? That we weren't all doomed to darkness?" she asked

"Yes, sometimes he used to say-" Remus started, his voice cracking at the memory

"I know what he used to say Remus, he told me reg and cissy many times too, even bella a few times…"she smiled as she thought of the cousin she had once loved so much, then added "he wasn't all that wrong, reg died because he listened to Sirius and got cold feet turning against the dark lord, here I am in the midst of the order because of him and cissy too will find the right side in due time, Bella….Bella died the moment she killed Sirius. Take care Remus, I know that you are the one person my idiot cousin would choose to live his life" with that she vanished in a flash of green.

Two years later, Remus lupin fell to the floor with a smile on his face, death had found him, just like she had promised and he had lived every moment of his life as a true marauder.

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><p>AN : ha! there i'm done! now i gotta rush off to study for my tomorrows exam and if you are not as busy as me, do leave a review! adiozzz


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